Dear Rose

Dear Rose,
                  These are just more words on paper, that I will probably end up reading to you over the phone at some point. Though you have heard me spout random shit for almost two years, please know that everything I am about to say is true and that I’m digging deep to find the right words…

That night with Dominik was crazy has hell. Part of me knew that our so called “relationship” wouldn’t last. I knew right away from the first time we started talking, that she wanted sex. That was okay with me, considering I was a player. We met up, hung out, and had sex. It was normal in my eyes, but at the same time, I started to feel something for her. Looking back, I now realize it wasn’t love, but maybe just a physical attraction.
When I heard your voicemail, it automatically made me want to step back from her, to let her have you. You sounded so hurt, and even though I had no idea who you were…I somehow felt you, or maybe I just wanted to come to your rescue, because I understood.  We were in the car, and I asked her for your number. Her eyes got a bit wide, and she looked so uneasy but she still gave it to me.
  We started talking, and I just started liking you. I started thinking about you more and more, and I eventually fell. I tried so hard not to let myself get too attached, but I did. And I don’t know whether this was meant to happen..or if I’m just in too deep. I’m younger, reckless, stupid, and I can be extremely dramatic in certain situations. I don’t have anything to give except for my heart, trust, and unconditional love. Rose, I don’t have the perfect body, or beautiful blue eyes, or anything that can make you fall for me.
      Quite frankly, I don’t want to try anymore. If you do fall, I want you to fall for me. Not for what I look like, sound like, or what I’m able to do sexually. Just for me. Savannah.
And babe, I’ve been wishing for something that’s not in my hands. For something that’s not my decision to make. I’m not Dominik. I can’t feel it every single time you’re upset, I feel it only half of the time. I’m not Amanda. I’m not over age. I don’t have a car, a job, or a beautiful son. I can’t even be there when you need someone, because Amanda is the first one you will go to. If she’s busy, you just keep it all to yourself. I don’t get a call, a text when I had my phone, or even a simple message on hangouts.
          I’ve always had problems living in the shadows of others. It kills me, because it’s the same thing in this situation. When I tried to be there Dominik was always before me, and now it’s Amanda.
       I fought for you. When I was in the darkest places, you were the one person that I thought of, and the thought of you gave me hope, it motivated me to keep going.
I’ve stopped the drugs, and the self harm. I’ve actually gone quite a while without any of it. Yeah, a couple slight slip-ups here and there, but nothing major. You were, and still are my alternative. Even if I can’t hear your voice at that exact moment, I always look up to the stars, and hope that you’re looking at them too. I always wonder if you’re thinking about me.
      You are not responsible for my life and if I lost you, .I can’t say that I’d end it, because I don’t know.  But I can say that you have no idea how much harder it will be without you. Or maybe you deep down, but you have just forgotten.
             When someone would ask me if there was anyone that I would give my life for, or trust with my life, It was always you. When I felt like I couldn’t get through the night, I called you. If someone were to ask me right now if there was anyone that I would want to be right there next to me when I take my last breath. Its you. I want you to be the last person I’m with if I have to go. And if you’re wondering whether or not I’ve said this to someone else before. The answer is hell no. If you honestly think that I’m just spouting off random shit, still just trying to hook up with you, then you never knew me at all.
                          If I had to choose between one night of sex with you or a life-long relationship without sex, I’d chose the relationship without it. Because I do love you. They say that no one is perfect, and that may be true, but I’d accept you, for everything you are, flaws and all.
                              When they say the vows at a wedding, all that most people hear is the “For rich. And then and in health”
                     Then if they get divorced, the move on to someone else.
I’m not even married to you, and I will already take you for rich, or for poor, for sickness and in health, till death do us part.
        If you were majorly sick I’d stay there and take care of you. I’d sing to you sleep, and I’d be there in the morning when you wake up.
If someone were to tell me that I’m in too deep…I would just say “Maybe I’m meant to be”
           Life is like heaven on earth with you around..
And words cannot describe what I’m feeling.
        I used to believe that some wounds just never heal..
Now I feel like a coward for believing it in the first place.
                     You have changed me.
    You’re amazing, Rose.
Before I didn’t know what it felt like to love someone unconditionally…
But now I do.
You know how there’s a lot of chick flicks, or just stories of falling in love?  There’s always someone that says “I wish that would happen to me.” Or “ I wish I could meet someone like that.”  I just sit back and think “I already have.”
                                         I don’t regret anything that has happened in my life.. Because it all led up to meeting you.